(GLASSY SEA, HEAVEN) — Jesus Christ announced today that He would be taking a break from what He characterized as a “toxic” relationship with Roger E. Collins of Lincoln, Nebraska.

The Lamb of God painted a bleak picture of years of emotional distance, self-centeredness, and control.

“Roger wants you to believe that you’re the most important thing in his life, but it’s all just a façade,” said the Savior of Mankind.

“At first it’s all ‘thy kingdom come, thy will be done,’ but an hour later you realize it’s still all about him. And I can tell you, he’s not just asking for his daily bread.”

The Messiah emphasized that Collins was always making things about himself.

“It’s not just that [Roger] prays about the rough stuff in his life—I get that; everyone prays about those things. It’s that every single prayer has to be about him. He’s always the victim, and never part of the problem. I’m not saying the whole prayer has to be a confession, but if you can’t find anything to confess… I mean, really? Who does he think he is?”

“And at the same time he’s not exactly forthcoming with his problems,” the Son of Mary went on. “So we’re having these conversations where I know what’s going on in his life, and he knows what’s going on in his life, but he doesn’t want to refer to it, and it’s like he feels that if he just doesn’t say anything, it won’t be there. What kind of relationship is that?”

Jesus said that He has begun to see that a number of minor irritations are in fact indicative of Collins’s controlling nature. “The way he tags on ‘if it be your will’ to any prayer that seems remotely difficult to him—I’m like, is my will really such a mystery? Have you read those books about me? Do I come across as hesitant to help people in the gospels? But no, it’s as if I’m only going to heal that person if the almighty Roger Collins himself intervenes and asks for it.”

The Alpha and Omega went on to say that He could put up with Collins if that was the only thing He had going on in His life, but that there was just too much other stuff to deal with.

“The meek? The poor in Spirit? I never get enough time with those guys. And the reality is, the more I have to pour into my relationship with Roger, I’m not going to have the emotional energy for those who hunger and thirst after righteousness. And the pure in heart? I’d love for them to see Me, but not when I’m dealing with [Collins].”

Nevertheless, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah did not rule out a future reconnection with Collins—on His terms. “Right now I just need some distance. That’s where I’m leaving it. I know, forgive seven times seventy times. And I know, that was an understatement more than hyperbole. But let’s be realistic here. I want to see some growth in his end too. I don’t want him just walking all over me again.”

Following the break with Collins, Christ reported that He hadn’t had such a sense of relief in thousands of years, when He did a KonMari and got rid of Atlantis.